Takes me back to 13 and never enough...

When I climb up into the sink to do my make up I’m transported right back to the 13 year old girl craving acceptance. My parents divorced when I was 8, separating my brother and I and my moms next marriage landed me a few cities over at a new school for 5 years before that fell apart, and I was moved back half way through 8th grade to our hometown. We went from a 3,000 square foot house in a bigger city to a single wide trailer down a gravel road in the middle of Amish country. At 13 you don’t cope well with change, and you also don’t cope well with being the new person at a new school where every one knew eachother. To say it was awful is an understatement. I had no friends, I was made for of for wearing Abercrombie where in the last school it made me cool, here it made me a talking point. I tried my best to make friends and just suffer through the remainder of the year focusing on gymnastics and cheerleading and praying high school would be better. ⁣

Every morning I would sit in that sink, applying make up, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, no matter how I dressed myself up, I wasn’t fitting in and it was awful. My mom was working all the time, so I just focused on gymnastics. I did so much gymnastics in that trailer that I literally broke a floor board and there was a spot in the living room from where I landed my standing tuck that was indented but it was my escape from reality. Moving my body, pushing my own limits physically, it gave me worth because I didn’t know how to feel worthy otherwise. ⁣

Sadly my worth began to only be found in boys, and I would hop boyfriend to boyfriend and I’d change who I was with every single one. I basically just had a post it on my head that said “please like me” and once they did, I’d get bored and need more attention. It was toxic and I wish someone would have shaken me and said sweet girl, you are enough, no boy, no group of friends, no clothing, will make you enough, it’s what INSIDE your soul that’s enough. It’s crazy the memories that can flood back from just sitting in the sink....more to come on this because wow I just unleashed some emotions, off to a play date 💕